Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
