Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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