do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Let's get the cat blown out
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
