I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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