I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
