Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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