shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
this just has baby written all over it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize