The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
