I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
