super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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