The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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