he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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