Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
