Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize