well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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