he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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