So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
