proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
