If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
