i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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