he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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