It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
