I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm bleeding and have questions
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
