I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
