dude i'm inner monologue high
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
