I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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