The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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