It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Randomize
