EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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