I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
