She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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