He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
