Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
