What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
