You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
