i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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