good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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