im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
