Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
