I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
