Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Randomize
