I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize