My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
