At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
