I am spending my child support on dildos
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
