There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
