my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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