i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
