Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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