Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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