Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
