i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
