I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
