i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
